Loaves fishes and miracles-searching for my dad – part one

Loaves fishes and miracles-searching for my dad – part one
A week ago I went into a church I last went into when I was eleven years old; it’s a long long time ago. Ghosts is not the word. It was always a place that leaves me with a smile. The plan was to commemorate my aunt at the time the funeral was taking place. Chose that church because it had good memories.
Walking in, felt so small, guess last time I walked in I was just that bit shorter, still as beautifull, still as calming. Sat in a pew. Felt as if there was only really one place to sit ???.
After a few minutes the Ghosts began to surround me, subtle pressure at first, then squeezing me tighter and tighter, getting in to my heart, getting into my brain. I thought I would try and look around, look at all those nooks and crannies, that as a child I wouldn’t be allowed to look at. Took my mind away for a few inches.
Beautiful stone pulpit, with sculptures of stone flowers underneath. Some of those flowers wearing away felt a twinge of gulit, remembering caressing those flowers all those years ago.
Looked at a plaque showed the name of the son of the man who had abused me, felt like my legs disappeared beneath me, mind swirling. Suddenly wanting to shout out for my dad.
My abusers son had NOTHING to do with the abuse; he had died many many years before that in the Second World War. It was the name; I knew his name was on the war memorial in town.
Just wasn’t ready to see that surname. I think a few hundred boxes of memories; bad memories burst open like a vein bursting open and haemorrhaging life.
This last week I’ve been haemorrhaging life. Struggling to hang on to life and just even breathing has been a challenge. My feeling I can’t live anymore has been there so strongly. Guess I’m on the edge. I think I’ve got one foot firmly planted on the edge, toes curled tightly on the edge. The other foot has a miniscule turn outwards, towards the side. My big toe is on the edge, the other toes are turned outwards by about forty degrees.
Guess my mind is working, so I am thinking, but not sure I can keep on and keep on. Need respite and if it’s there its hiding well in its invisibility cloak.