Re reading book by “tuesdays with Morrie”. Its about death, but it is actually about living and being in every moment of your life.
Like all of Mitch Albom’s books ,this is such a powerfull read. All of his books come, from me, with a mega health warning, they can take me to places I don’t always want to be. At the end of the process it turns out to be a cleansing, deep layered process, going through my memories and thoughts of day to day living. Why the health warning re Mitch Albom’s books,because I stasrt to think about how I am. What is it I do every day. Do I influence anyone negatively. I am so so aware I do not live life to the full. Do I have any positive impact on anyone at all?
I barely live at all.
Trying not to binge,ye gods and little fishes, that feeling I will die if I don’t get that pile of food inside me. I wish I could describe the feeling I get during the process of binging. I cant do that, the feeling goes once I stop the eating.
Trouble is it doesn’t stop the deep pain razoring its way through my mind . Its the way , I THINK, of keeping away the demons that live in the deepest darkest part of myself. If they got released …. what WOULD BE?? that’s where it feels like I would die. I don’t think( I think) I even mean I would die by my own hand ,I mean I would just die. I would internally implode not just emotionally, but physically to .
Totally not succeeding with not phoning Samaritans. Feel I am getting caught in the quagmire of ropes pulling me round and round. I am falling down huge holes, its only those phone calls with Samaritans that give me the strength and ability to keep grasping for the ropes that swing by, just not quite long enough to hold on to . I have to stretch out to grasp them. I keep falling into and getting caught in the human traps that seem to pus and pull me .
They feel a bit like the tree in one of the “harry potter ” film, where the characters get caught in the tree that whirls them round and round,witrh bumps and cuts an will not let them go