new year,new start OR?


Should the New Year bring new hope? Or is that just a fallacy to make me feel dire. Or am I turning into a blinking awful cynic. I guess the reality is that I am so utterly blinking scared that what I am hoping for will collapse and burn around me.

Task one: Reduce my telephone calls to Samaritans. Am I contacting Samaritans when I should look inside myself. Its so difficult.

When the pain goes through my mind and my heart

When the thoughts  are racing around

When the thoughts of powerlessness are mighty

When the isolation seeps through my bones and seems to seems to come through the walls and in the air

Are there words to describe how that feels?

Am I setting myself up for failure?

When I talk to the Samaritans I get to sort those thoughts out, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Even when a call goes wrong I can learn something. There used to be  a few Samaritans that used to somehow scare me. Not entirely sure why. I think it used to feel as if they were thinking I was just a blinking nuisance. Now,I have even deeper conversations . I think the Samaritans I used to be afraid of were so very brave. When I told them they helped me explore the reasons I felt afraid.





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