time travel,alcoholic bruitishness and perceptions.

 

How can a few minutes in time change the whole way I feel. How does one person’s actions, in a minute or less.

Friend came round for a drink, there were 4 of us, me my friend and husband and another friend. Three women  ,one male, the male drank a lot of alcohol quickly, he was making “jokes” about the 60’s music I was playing, lots of “Doors, deep purple,Kinks,He made comments about suicide, drug taking,sarky nasty comments. Went to the kitchen and returned. It’s about 20 steps from kitchen to living room and back.

Actually, I don’t go round counting steps from room to room, but used to when my mum was having physio, we used to count the steps, each extra step was such a victory and reduction in steps was such painful loss.

My male guest was standing up and gestured to dance ,I thought “what the hell “he then grabbed me so tight and face forward with a fierce  fierce kiss, I  saw his face coming towards  me and couldn’t turn my face or push him away. I felt so violated, I think it felt worse because his wife and my other female friend found it hilarious.

It’s set off feeling I can’t find words to, its set of stuff from a long time ago about strength and power. My room feels violated,its no longer the same sanctuary it was.

Part of me felt it’s just what women have to put up with,my feminist heart is screaming out “NO WAY”.

He was drunk, he won’t remember, does that make it ok or least worst????.

Suddenly feels like I such an unsurmountable distance to travel on this journey of living with my past. I feel as if I am carrying thousands of tons of rocks. I  want to turn them to dust, and settle the dust in different places. A few rocks have turned to dust, I’ve left a little dust in a safe place. Sometimes the rocks get very heavy,sometimes they poke at me with jagged edges,sometimes they feel like they corrode me. Today they do all of this

 

 

 

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