Last couple of weeks very testing. I attended a family funeral, met relations I haven’t seen for a while. Realized how I freeze. You know when you suddenly know something in your heart, even though its been in your head for a while. Sort of concrete block knocking your head, that literal sort of understanding. It actually hurts. Standing at a graveside ,sad at the sadness of the loss of someone’s life,sad at the loss for family and friends, but part of me literally frozen. It was physical and emotional, all over my body, especially my back.
I think I was just starting to accept I haven’t ever mourned my dad, maybe it’s starting NOW.
Feeling so blinking wobbly. Food binging going crazy. I TOLD MYSELF I WASN’T GOING TO BINGE,IT WAS GOING TO BE FINE. My thoughts replied in a blink. The answer from my thoughts was “I will die if I don’t binge”. Where does that come from? A bit over the top. Feeling so so wobbly. Starting to feel fearful of the dark, dark at night time, mornings feel safer.
Walking home from work this evening, my breathing getting heavier and heavier, chest so tight. Such relief to get in the door, back into safety, my own space, no one to have to pretend to. A few stolen moment so peace and the breathing slows, the thoughts of my dad,the intense physical pain of his absence. How can it be so powerful after so so long.
Music has kept the brick walls a little softer and made the dark corners of the Caves I get caught in get a glimmer of soft light. Listening to “Passenger”. its very powerful. Reading is a bit of a struggle ,I need some inspiration.
What comes next,getting the whispers of a tornado in the distance. CAN I GET THROUGH IT? Not sure.