It’s been a difficult week. Made a telephone call yesterday. It probably took less time than it takes a full kettle to boil.
Told someone I was ending our contact. Told them it wasn’t good for me to be with someone when I couldn’t say how I had initially meet them and didn’t want to see them anymore and I wasn’t coming to visit them in a couple of weeks He accepted that, them saying does that include texting. What was that about?
At the end of it I felt such a huge mix of totally conflicting emotions, from relief to immense pain to missing that person already. I got guilt by the ton for not listening to myself. When you know someone and you have to keep it a secret how you met them, it’s not right or fair. I mean that person should have never made on going contact with me. I should have refuse on going contact.
It’s NOT about that person not being available for a relationship, we were both available. No one else with us in a relationship. But we met in a situation where he shouldn’t have taken the first step.
I shouldn’t have succumbed to the, or at least felt like a subtle pressure. Guess I recognise it was about 30 % of what took me to the cliff edge last year.
Sometimes when someone seems to care about you, who wants to spend time with you it is so easy to block out the reasoning, lock out the questions, lock out the screaming internal questions…The screaming question that if you can’t talk about how you met initially, because it’s a secret.
I DON’T WANT TO BE ANYONES SECRET.
To many secrets in my life, I kept to many secrets as a child. What ever I do I want to shout it from the rooftops. No more dark scruggy. I guess scruggy means dark materials manacled together stopping my mind and heart connecting and working together.
I did the right thing by ending my connection with that person yesterday. But it hurts like crazy, I feel as if it’s a reason for my world to almost end.
The next hours and days are going to be about survival. My head and neck are so sore and tense. Can’t get myself sitting in a comfy position. My body feels like it’s going to burst and yet no energy.
I am going over and over all my contacts with this person in the last couple of years or so. Thoughts going round and round and round and on and on. Thinking about the meanings of words and actions, mine his ,his ,mine. Was any of it real? Was it a sort of manipulation?
Did he really not see my tears when we were walking past the “anne summers” shop and he suggested an item to buy me? Or did the slight titter from me following the tears mean I was saying it was ok. Why didn’t I say what was inside me. Words in my head and heart were how could he, how could he see that as a joke, or even for real.
- Guess it actually comes down to words, real words, not about what did someone actually mean, not what I thought they men. Guess it’s about risk taking; it’s about saying what was in my head.
- Guess its about knowing when to do that.
- Guess its about not beating myself up about what I say and don’t say and either checking things out,or staying quite and go with consequences.
So do I survive this? Or should it be how I survive it.Havent a clue.
Somewhere in all this is that feeling that so many of my emotions are stuck whey back when I was eight years old and there weren’t any grownups then.