The last seven days have felt as is I’ve been pressed pressed and pressed. Was on a course for work, two days, and two tutors. Felt as if both of the tutors really took against me. All I did, was ask a few questions. I wasn’t the only one asking questions, I wasn’t the only one he took against. I guess I challenged his power? One tutor was an Occupational psychologist. Guess it means do I have this attitude that all psychologists should be fluffy marshmallowy beings.
No, but, he was so blinking arrogant. He also pushed for answers in a public situation. The whole two days were about being pushed so far down.
I feel as if everything I have pulled together in the last year just vanished in to a puff of smoke. Train traveling is pure hell. People being pushed up against me, drags me back to places a long time ago, so difficult to stay in the here and now. Travelling down the escalator and suddenly aware there is nowhere to go at the end of the escalator. People were en mass and just no spaces, my breathing was starting to go out of control. Someone answered my internal silent cries of terror. A space enough for about five people opened up.
By Thursday on the way home I felt as if the past year of progression had been sucked out of me. Standing on the station there was that announcement that most people ignore, about a non-stopping train. The almost gravitational pull towards the track was almost insurmountable. A millisecond later the announcement that the following train would be the one I wanted. Such welcome words. So many thoughts rushing through my mind. Still feel amazed I’m still actually around.
Walking into the Counselling room yesterday actually so good. I could be myself; I didn’t have to pretend any more. A period to be myself,no reason to put the outside face on.The face was switched on all last week. Don’t have to put it on for real friends. For the first time I cried, didn’t turn away, didn’t grab the tissues. It all just pushed itself out. That was a first. We talked about how the some people don’t like being questioned, how some people are bullies, how current day bullies can take me back to the time of abuse.
Nothing I normally do is working today,reading,television,radio,Samaritans,food,tea. The nearest is Tinie Tempah ft Eric Turner music “written in the stars”. It’s a really powerful song. Its, I think the song about keeping going, keeping on trying. It helped a lot for a while.
I feel cut off, I feel as if the last year hasn’t happened. It’s a sort of loss, feels like a huge hole has appeared in my heart and mind. Not the hole that gets larger through being worn away. More the explosive kind of hole. How is it that one male tutor, a psychologist at that, can pull me totally apart.
Struggling like crasy .