Its been one hell of a week. Guess its about been more in tune with whats going on around me. In reality that means I’m so aware of how other peoples lives seem so busy and fulfilled.Spent a long time in a car with some colleagues. They were all busy people. Catching up on their texts, sending texts to people, arranging meetings.
Left me feeling very isolated, left me realizing what a different life I’ve had.
Ok,we,never know what someone’s life is like, especially their internal life.
I have kept myself so separate from people; it’s changing but so slowly. Tears have been for a life lost, for the non-existent children, the missing relationships. Tears for the fear that I will never get back into life, that somehow it’s not for me..
Tears for the counselling session. Talking about my relationship with food. That that is my life relationship. Trying to get my head round it.That food has taken, almost, over from my relationship with everything and everyone else. Way way back, standing in a road, 8 years old, cake box in one hand, money in the other. Being so terrified of going into a house where I would have tea in china cups and a cake followed by abuse. I guess in my 8 year old mind I got caught up in escape of the pleasure of the cake and somehow got caught up in the middle of the cake.
Feeling caught up in a maelstrom of emotion,stuggling like crazy to focus and failing bigtime .Feeling like non person. Feeling very alone and very frightened. Trying to tell myself this is part of the journey,this is the bit where I need every millisecond of energy.My energy is melting away with the tears.