doll’s house

Today feels very peculiar. Not sure if i’m  feeling dire or on the verge of something am I going to drop like a swatted fly or start something like growth?.


Yesterday went out see counsellor we used dolls house to see if it helped,long back story to that, Sat in front of  dolls house,me on the floor ,box of items from dolls house in box on floor. I picked out a chair placed it in dolls house ,so carefully. I felt such an ache inside ,it was like the dam was going to burst within me.But I just had to hold it in,felt so important ,to afraid to let it go,to afraid to keep in in.Yet I felt a sort of secureness,safe with the counsellor. Out of corner of my eye, in the box, I saw a  child doll. She was so small,it was her smallness that shook right through me. She is so vunerable,so very very tiny,so blinking defenceless.

I hadn’t much of a hope against an adult.

Took a while to get back to here and now,guess I stayed here for a bit,not quite sure where I am now. Need to talk about it because I’m falling. Tried phoning Samaritans,just didn’t work out. Lovely person talking to me ,but to forensic,to many questions. Put the phone down after a short while.

Guess I needed to take it at different pace. I guess that the wonderful  but slightly scary thing,for me, about about the Samaritans. Each person is there own unique person,so you always get a different discussion. Sometimes  it’s a gentle stroll through feelings,through to what feels like forensic analysis of how you feel. Its as if someone has covered me in a strong  weedkiller,like those television adverts ,looks tuff on the weeds.

Other times it feels   an organic  review ,when the fields are reviewed,slightly ruff up the top soil,look at whats under neath,cover it up again with the topsoil,ruffle it all a bit,look at underneath again and then put some cover on,but its still different and still  its taken away some  heat and pressure.

Feeling very strange, feel like I’m going to fall.






eyeballing life in the face

Why am I so afraid of love, life liberty and pursuit of happiness? Pity I can’t go and buy a pound of life in the shop. Get a pint of milk, loaf of bread and a pound of life, trouble is I’d probably only ask for a quarter of life, too afraid to buy a whole pound,

Have I always been so afraid of life?

It’s that slow burning internal fear that’s always there, that occasionally flairs up to a full roaring volcano.

I’m so still pulled back to the past, it’s like one of those harnesses you see on toddlers, but mine is made of backwards elastic.

 I can go forward a little bit; if I strain forwards too much then I get yanked backwards so fast.

It’s all about guilt, how can I be so guilty of things done to me?

It’s like I’m afraid other people will find out about me, yet what’s so awful about that. How can the actions of one old man, so, so long ago,create such internal fear for  my whole life?

Watched the BBC 2 programme sins of our fathers last night about the boarding schools run by the Benedictine order. It’s always the same, the top dogs are sorry, but they can’t explain how it wasn’t stopped or passed to the authorities.


  Continue reading

getting through

Ten months ago I was standing on the edge of a cliff looking out on to the water.        There was a exquisite glow on the water as if there were lights under the water. The sea in the distance was that wonderful greeny blue. All I could see was total hopelessness; I had memories of horrible images of periods of my past. NOTHING TO DO WITH MY MUM AND DAD, It that ubiquitous term family friend,. I couldn’t see anything else; the water was calling me, verbally pulling me in. I wanted to lookout to take a picture I could close my eyes and see as I stepped over the edge .

This weekend has  been so blinking tough. Maybe the title should  how to get through counselling, How ame I gettind through. Looking out the window at the clouds,playing the game I used to with my dad. Looking at the clouds and seeing what they looked like. At the moment I can see a dragon carring a poodle. Look out and let your imagination carry you away.

difficult day

Hello,why this blog?

Last year I tried to kill myself .I was stopped and this is a blog on my journey back to survival and I hope back to learning how to live.

Why anonymous, because in contradiction I want to be open about now and my past. Most people I know don’t know about my life to me trying to end my life and I don’t want them to.

I will probably post a couple of times a week.

The plan is to record how I feel everything, how my day  has gone,how my head and  heart feel, the music and reading that help me and my relationship with Samaritans.

Please leave me your comments. Please be kind ,don’t leave comments that are  cruel or unkind to me or others. I can’t guarantee to respond to comments immediately.


Phone 08457 909090 ,there a good bunch of people,nothing seems to phase them.

x loopy