Today feels very peculiar. Not sure if i’m feeling dire or on the verge of something am I going to drop like a swatted fly or start something like growth?.
Yesterday went out see counsellor we used dolls house to see if it helped,long back story to that, Sat in front of dolls house,me on the floor ,box of items from dolls house in box on floor. I picked out a chair placed it in dolls house ,so carefully. I felt such an ache inside ,it was like the dam was going to burst within me.But I just had to hold it in,felt so important ,to afraid to let it go,to afraid to keep in in.Yet I felt a sort of secureness,safe with the counsellor. Out of corner of my eye, in the box, I saw a child doll. She was so small,it was her smallness that shook right through me. She is so vunerable,so very very tiny,so blinking defenceless.
I hadn’t much of a hope against an adult.
Took a while to get back to here and now,guess I stayed here for a bit,not quite sure where I am now. Need to talk about it because I’m falling. Tried phoning Samaritans,just didn’t work out. Lovely person talking to me ,but to forensic,to many questions. Put the phone down after a short while.
Guess I needed to take it at different pace. I guess that the wonderful but slightly scary thing,for me, about about the Samaritans. Each person is there own unique person,so you always get a different discussion. Sometimes it’s a gentle stroll through feelings,through to what feels like forensic analysis of how you feel. Its as if someone has covered me in a strong weedkiller,like those television adverts ,looks tuff on the weeds.
Other times it feels an organic review ,when the fields are reviewed,slightly ruff up the top soil,look at whats under neath,cover it up again with the topsoil,ruffle it all a bit,look at underneath again and then put some cover on,but its still different and still its taken away some heat and pressure.
Feeling very strange, feel like I’m going to fall.